Mom, Mayhem & The Whole Damn Family

HELLO??? CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME??? I’m talking…well yelling here can anybody hear me?

How do you get heard over the noise of everyone else? How do you know the people you are talking to are actually listening? How do you know your being taken seriously.

Yelling makes your point louder but not right and not heard better.

Screaming signifies danger, even if not with ones whole mind but subconsciously you will feel the response to danger get out, appease, fight!

When talking to your children do you want their rooted memory to be danger or safety?

Now I am not saying to never yell, I’m not saying I don’t yell. But do you want the most of their core memories with you to be danger whether consciously or non-consciously.

Not only is the automatic feeling danger with what ever response is specific to that person but the information isn’t computing properly.

WHEN YOU YELL INFORMATION AT ME I am computing danger, protect one selves not treat the person yelling as an equal that I love and trust and care about the information they are giving me, they are danger.

It wasn’t until I heard my dad yelling at my children that I myself yell at everyday that I realized what was happening. I was him. Again, I said I wouldn’t do it but here I was.

I want my children to remember me as their safe space. No matter what and I have to give up and let go to make that happen. Even if my dad isn’t here asking for forgiveness maybe its really time to give it to him anyways. Not for his well being but my own and my children’s.

The only thing you can do sometimes is change moving forward.

Here are some more effective ways to communicate depending on who you’re communicating with.

With your children.

1. Get on their level.

• Make eye contact and kneel so you are at the same height.
• It makes the interaction less scary and shows you care.

2. Use Simple Clear Language

• Choose words appropriate for their age.
• Break instructions into smaller steps.
• Avoid long lectures.

3. Listen Actively

• Give them time to say whatever they need to say no matter how long it takes.
• Repeat back or rephrase what they say for clarity (So you felt sad when that happened?)
• You want them to feel heard.

4. Validate Feelings

• Acknowledge emotions always even if you don’t agree with the behavior.
• Emotions are OK bad behaviors are not.
• For example I see you’re frustrated it’s time to leave, it’s okay to be frustrated sometimes but its not OK to knock over the trash as we leave the park because you’re frustrated.
• Validation lowers the chance of defensiveness and teaches emotional intelligence.

5. Stay Calm and Respectful

• Children learn from how you respond.
• A steady tone encourages cooperation more than yelling.
• Respect builds respect in return.

6. Positive Reinforcement

• Notice a good action and praise it specifically. (Good job taking turns with your sister)
• Encourage them to repeat it.

7. Choices Not Demands

• Offering two acceptable options give them a sense of control. (I know feeling in control helps me and children are just smaller versions of adults)
• Example “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after you put on your PJ’s.

8. Be Consistent (One of the most important things to take away from this)

• Clear boundaries with the same consequence every time and it helps your child feel more secure (Make sure all people involved in parenting are on the same page)
• Mixed messages confuse and frustrate a child.

9. Model the Behavior You Want

• Show honesty, kindness and patience in your own communication (Including communication with a partner in front of them this shows them how adult relationships should be)
• Kids copy more than they listen
• Do as you want your children to do.

10. Use Stories, Play and Creativity

• With younger children especially you can role play, draw or tell a story. It helps them express themselves better until they have more words to do so.

Try to start implementing these things in your home don’t expect immediate results but with consistency and love changes are bound to happen. Remember small steps add to big change. Until next time, keep moving forward.