Mom, Mayhem & The Whole Damn Family

Sometimes I have so much to say that I say absolutely nothing at all. I guess this will be an attempt at a life update.

Right now life is terrifying, I want to pull the blankets over my head and come out in a year or two after everything has already crashed and burned.

My father and my cousin are now staying with us so the house consists of 4 adults and 4 children. My cousin is continuing on her road to recovery (rugs) and my dad is awaiting his “dream job” on a cruise ship in Hawaii. You know how easy life is when you have no strings attached. Eight children doesn’t mean much to him.

I recently started my own road to recovery (alcohol) which looks a lot like not recovering but putting all the right motions into place. I am trying to start reading, writing again, and focusing on the things I cared about at one point that I haven’t had the energy to care about lately.

My grandmother whose house is just as crazy as ours and soon to get crazier once my cousin that lives with her has her baby, has been having health issues. She was supposed to have teeth removed and then a TAVR to replace a heart valve when she found out she all has a carotid artery that is 70% blocked and will also need surgery on that. She was supposed to have teeth removed on Christmas Eve and then the heart surgery first week in January but after her doctors appointment today she will be having the heart surgery this Wednesday.

We still have books to read, we still have meals to make together. Stories to tell. The thought of the surgery is terrifying to me even though I can easily reassure others it will be okay. What if it isn’t okay? What if this Christmas doesn’t come for her. I lost my uncle 10 years ago, a good friend/ex-lover about 5 years ago and my grandfather last year besides that I have been lucky enough to be a stranger to death.

Its terrifying and enlightening to think of death. In most of the sense I think of it selfishly I think of my feelings and my pain. I truly believe that when you are no longer here is when your life truly begins its when you feel the truest happiness and love. No pain no fear just light. Why would I want to deny the people I love of ultimate peace and honestly my grandma’s tired.

I pray everything happens the way that it should, but I can’t control this. I am not in control but I trust whoever is.